Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
