Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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