After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize