Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
