Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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