I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
