I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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