Someone shit on the floor
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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