If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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