YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Randomize
