maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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