Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You smell like stripper and shame
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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