you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
