I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
