Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm like, not good at living.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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