So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
