i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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