I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
only you would photoshop your dick
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
