we have officially lost it.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
