Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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