I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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