Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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