it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
