Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
