Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
