apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
