i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's shark week go big or go home
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
