i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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