im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
did i just pee glitter
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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