Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
