She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
