I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Randomize
