So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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