I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
