I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
