NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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