Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
