I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
