Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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