You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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