it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
