I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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