U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize