Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
