At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
