Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
