We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize