i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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