I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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