Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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