Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
