Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
