is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize