so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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