she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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