My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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